Do you like my story so far?(I shortened it.)?

Sorry, I didn't read all of it. But of what I read I did like the actual language you used, it's more that the story resembles Twilight too much... I hate saying that, I feel so cliche. So from a business point of view, trying to sell it might be a challenge, but as a simple story, if that's what you like, go with it! Oh, and I disagree with whoever said the sentences were too short. There's no rule about how long the sentences should be..